


I'll Miss You

by mochitam



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Angst, Blood, Gay, I'm a fucking bitch, Kidnapping, Lots of tears, Love, M/M, Night Terrors, No Kiss, No confessions, Poor Jeongin, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad, Strangers to Lovers, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Teenagers, Unknown Love, not really brothers, stray kids - Freeform, the one that got away
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-03-20
Packaged: 2019-02-28 20:08:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13278960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mochitam/pseuds/mochitam
Summary: Jeongin was saved





	1. I'm going up

I honestly thought I’d never have get to talk to anyone ever again. It was frightening. After the truck had thrown me out and sped away leaving a dust cloud in its absence I stared at the now empty road. 

 

The kind man was suspicious at first and I wasn’t sure if I could trust him. He kneeled before me and said,

 

“Do you need help?” 

 

It seemed like the words were engraved in my head now because I just kept repeating them. Yes I needed help, I told him that. He smiled at me, a trusting smile. Could I trust him? I thought to myself then and now as I sat on his bed. He had left to go inform his parents of my existence suddenly and I wasn’t sure that was what I wanted. 

 

The room was bright. Brighter than any room I had ever been in before. The bed was soft, with a baby blue bedspread, it made me feel tired. When was the last time I slept? It could have been weeks I’d forgotten how long it's been since I was abandoned. 

 

Abandoned was an ugly word and I didn’t like to call it that. Even though that’s what it was. 

 

When the man came back he stood in front of me with the same smile on his face. How could he smile for so long?

“My parents want to meet you, do you mind?” It was funny that he asked for my opinion. 

 

I suddenly recalled the glass of water he handed me when he sat me down on the bed. When he wrapped a blanket around my shoulders I jumped not used to the sudden comfort. This man was weird, i’d decided. What if he thought I was weird. 

 

I nodded to him and stood up handing him the blanket. He just tossed it onto a chair and motioned for me to follow. I didn’t understand how he could be so careless. Never in my life had I done something like that and found it sort of admiring. 

 

“Do you have a name? Mine is Seungmin, it’s nice to meet you.” He had a name. A pretty name it was to. I was skeptical on telling him my name afraid he might figure out my past and throw me out of the house, but when he turned around with that same smile I almost tripped and stuttered. 

 

“I-It’s...Jeongin.” 

 

He hummed and told me that was a great name and he had never met someone with it. 

 

At this point I was noticing how large the house Seungmin lived in was. The walls were a clean smooth white and there were pieces of decoration lining the walls every which way. I tried my best to get a good look at the canvases and found many different people. They were young, some being babies and old some with wrinkles. I’d never taken a picture nor had I been in a picture. It made my chest hurt to think I didn’t have such luxuries as this man. 

 

When we’d walked for almost three minutes through the large house we came upon a sitting room of sorts. My eyes widened as I’d only seen things like this in picture books or sometimes the magazines I’d find in the dumpster. 

 

The room had three couches, two facing each other and another facing a fireplace. A grand piano sat in one corner of the room and a large bookcase in the other. If I somehow stayed here, I promised myself I’d read all those books. 

 

On one of the couches sat a man. He resembled Seungmin with a straight posture and the same hair. Their eyes were their closest trait and I found them interesting and beautiful. 

 

He looked up when we entered the room and I expected him to look at me with disgust and curse at his son for bringing in someone as dirty and small as me. But that was not his reaction. He stood from his seat and strode over to me in seconds. When he was in front of me I had to crane my neck to meet his gaze because as pre-mentioned, I was small. 

 

“Oh my he looks awful son!” I didn’t flinch at the words I knew this was coming. The man studied me more resting his hands on my shoulders to do a full exam. “Run him a bath and loan him some clothes this is unacceptable and such a pretty face too. A shame who would let such a young boy get so dirty.” I could only stare at him open mouthed. 

 

“How old are you son?” when I told him my age with a dry throat he threw his hands in an uproar and that was when Seungmin finally left the room supposedly running me a bath. “Sixteen! This boy is so young yet so unfortunate.” The man screamed. 

 

I heard a motion behind me and turned to see a woman holding a tray.  The tray had four tiny tea cups on it with a larger cup used for pouring the tea I assumed. When she looked at me her mouth dropped.    
  


“My my my!” she set the tray down on a table and stumbled over to me cupping my face with her hands. “Oh dear, who did this to you.” Her face looked concerned and her eyes were bright and round more different than Seungmins but, their noses were similar. This, was Seungmin’s mother and she was beautiful. 

 

“That’s exactly what I said, how in the hell did this happen to you kid? Please, we’d like to help you.” 

 

I nodded not caring if I told them my story for it would do no more than give them greater false impressions they should’ve had the second they saw my face; they sat me down. The woman poured us each a cup of hot tea. When I held it in my hand it was warm. When was the last time I’d felt something so warm. 

 

…

“ _ Jeongin-ah.” The voice was shallow but I heard it well enough. My eyes fluttered open to nothing but black and darkness in front of me.  _

 

_ “Mother?” I whispered attempting to sit up. I couldn’t. I felt my arms become immovable but I still couldn’t see anything. I called for my mother again and pulled my arms more roughly. I heard it again. _

 

_ “JEONGIN!” my mother's voice, she was in trouble. I couldn’t help her and in an instant I was asleep again with a throbbing head. _

_ … _

_ Things after that were worse.  _

 

_ “You are nothing!” The man spat at me and his voice was a growl. His face was disgusting portraying jagged and yellow teeth. Maybe he was a missing a few I couldn’t tell from the lack of light in the dark room. I was in the corner, I had been there awhile now. _

 

_ They didn’t give me food, just water. I was pretty sure humans couldn’t live off just water and eventually I was beginning to feel the fatigue.  _

 

_ They kept me there for years. They beat and did some of the most unspeakable things to and around me. I wanted to die. I felt selfish thinking like that but who was I to live for? The day when I felt I was at my last and I finally thought I was going to die, the same man that had taunted me for years walked in the room I never left. _

 

_ “You’re useless to us now, it’s time for you to leave.” He said it so blatantly that for a second I didn’t believe his words were true.  _

 

_ I hadn’t spoken for years only letting out screams which led to a raspy voice and sometimes it felt like i’d forgotten my own language.  _

 

_ I let the man grab me and throw me over his shoulder. Fighting wasn’t worth it anymore. They’d already broke me. Before I knew it I was laying in the back of a truck. The cold wind was hitting my face but I ignored it and embraced the scenery. It had been a long while since I had seen anything but dark walls and a stained floor. I sat up in the back of the truck letting the wind gain more access to my face. It felt refreshing and I closed my eyes. Right now, I could actually be on my way to death. I embraced it relishing in the thought of a different life, one where I wouldn’t be alone. One where I would be free and with love.  _

 

_ The truck stopped and the man got out. We were on the outskirts of some town, nothing but gravel on the road and a forest on each side. The man yanked me from the truck roughly practically almost ripping my arm off. He threw me to the ground and proceeded back to the truck gliding in and speeding away.  _

 

_ That was it. I’d stayed there on the side of the road for weeks. I ate what cars threw out, sometimes killing an animal if I felt I was really going to die. It hurt, most of the time. A pain in my chest that I didn’t know what to connect to. It wasn’t until I’d found my way into the city the pain seemed to diminish.  _

 

_ He was tall and broad. A healthy looking teenager. I envied him and thought about his story. I didn’t expect him to trail his eyes over to me and give me a smile so bright I thought it would actually kill me. He turned to the man he was standing with who I assumed to be his driver of sorts and whispered something into his ear. The man was obviously rich as his clothes were of the finest quality. He walked with a presence but not an intimidating one. One where you’d look at him and know he was someone important. The people that stood around watched him curiously as he walked and just then did I realize he was walking towards me. _

 

_ Why was he walking towards me? How was I of any importance. He stopped only a few feet away and I looked up from my position on the bench of the small park. I had found a book laying on the side of the road and instantly took it seeing as it was in great enough shape to read. It was about a romance depicting two men. I’d never thought about something as impossible and the book excited me, I didn’t feel wrong reading it I felt powerful and decided it was my favorite book even though i’d read a small number of books in my life. _

 

_ “Do you need help?” The man asked. Maybe it was the look on my face that lead him over. Maybe he stared into my eyes long enough that he decided something was wrong with me. I looked into his slinted yet widely opened eyes.  _

 

_ … _

The story wasn’t hard to tell. Nothing seemed to affect me anymore. The couple looked at me with a new face than before. Then, the woman let out a cry.

 

“How could someone ever-. And oh your mother, dear I am so sorry.” She paused for a second seeming to be in a deep thought then her words actually didn’t pass through me for once. “Maybe we should take you in?” 

 

For the first time in awhile, I smiled. A genuine wide smile that showed my crooked teeth. I knew I needed the thing called braces but considering my previous circumstances, that was impossible. The couple looked at me for approval. So I said,

 

“Please.”

…

I hadn’t had a bath in years. 

 

It’s interesting to think about, a human somehow managing to go so long without a drop of water on their body. Some would say it was repulsive others would have pity. 

 

The second my body was submerged into the milkish water my body was screaming at me. Every cut I had was fizzing under the water most likely infected from lack of treatment. My bruises ached with every move. For some reason though, it felt okay. The bath smelled of herbs most likely for healing purposes such as. I’d never felt something as soothing.

 

I glanced around the huge bathroom. There was the tub I was in now a plain white one. In the corner there stood a shower that was just begging me to step into it along with the toilet that sat in the other corner of the room. The walls were a manilla color free of any cracks or smudged paint. And on the ceiling hung a very large chandelier, which I thought was preposterous for a bathroom. 

 

It felt nice to not have dirt stuck in between uncomfortable places and it felt nice that my hair wasn’t a stiff mess anymore, after washing it properly it moved like real hair should. I almost let out a sob when I stepped out of the bath to stand in front of the mirror. 

 

I hadn’t seen my reflection in at least a decade. My small dark eyes were sunken in but showed life despite it. My cheeks were a faint pink as well as my ears which made me smile a bright grin. My teeth weren’t as yellow as they could've been and I looked down at the sink noticing the toothbrush and toothpaste that was left for me. 

 

I picked them up gently afraid they’d fall to dust in my hand. I was scared this was all a mirage or a dream or that i’d actually died and this was my idea of heaven. 

 

I uncapped the toothpaste which sent a chill down my spine at the familiar sound. My mother used to force me to brush me teeth everyday. It was a hassle but she'd drag me to the bathroom every morning to shove a toothbrush in my mouth.

 

_ “Jeongin-ah,”  _ She would say to me as her arms moved my arm so I was moving the brush back in forth in my mouth.  _ “If you don’t brush your teeth, no one will fall for your pretty smile.”  _ Then I would blush and she would smile her own smile. Her beautiful smile. 

 

People used to say we had the same smile but I couldn’t see it. Her teeth were perfectly straight while mine were crooked. 

 

I sighed and brushed my teeth recapping the toothpaste and setting my toothbrush in the cup that held the rest of the family’s.  _ Family.  _ Was I really apart of this family? I guess I was seeing as the mother mentioned taking me in and i’d said yes. I couldn’t understand how the rich couple were so nice to me. 

 

When i’d finish getting dressed feeling clean for once in my life I left my room throwing my previous clothes in the trash can as I was informed to do. I didn’t want them anyway they held way too many bad memories. 

 

When I got downstairs I suddenly felt lost in the large house. Every hallway looked similar and I felt small walking past everything. The pictures seemed to be looking down on me in some eerie way and I shook away the unsettling feeling.  **_It’s just your imagination, Jeongin._ ** I thought to myself even though I didn’t quite believe in my own words. Then I heard it.

 

I heard footsteps behind me and stopped dead in my tracks. I figured nearing the kitchen now as I could smell something delicious close by but there was something behind me and my soul almost left my body right there. 

 

I didn’t move and waited, the footsteps getting closer before they stopped. I knew they were only inches away and I sent out a silent plea to god which wasn’t very natural for me. Then it touched me and I jumped ten feet in the air letting out a yelp falling onto my back. 

 

I groaned and opened my eyes from my position on the floor looking up to find a tall figure. Even in the dimly lit hallway I could see the smile and I almost fainted. 

 

“Did I scare you that bad? I’m sorry I couldn't help it you looked like a lost puppy.” Seungmin teased but let out a laugh after the thought and I rolled my eyes taking the hand he’d set out for me. 

 

When I was back on my feet he didn’t let go and instead tugged on the loose sleeve of my shirt that went way past my fingers. 

 

“Dinner is almost ready, I’m sure you’re hungry.” 

 

The words instantly made my stomach growl and I looked up embarrassed but he only smiled brighter pulling me through the hall cutting corners like it was second nature. 

 

I was deathly starving and recalled back to the mirror when I was studying myself. I was so thin it was hard believe I was still standing. When I was living on the road all i’d eaten was dead animals that sometimes made me sick with their diseases. I would drink water from the pond that wasn’t very far into the woods. I knew the water wasn’t sanitary but it was all I had. I’d tried getting attentions from cars but who would stop on the side of a random highway to help out a sixteen year old kid who looked like a hobbit and was five feet tall. Even I would be skeptical. 

 

We reached the kitchen and I felt light headed from aroma around us. The entrancing smell was making me dizzy and I was thankful when Seungmin gently sat me in a chair at a small island in the kitchen. I looked around admiring the large space. Pots and pans hung above the stove but also above the island. Their metal was far from blemished seeming to be washed thoroughly. The island was smooth with no stains, a small bowl that held some fruits sat in the middle. It looked cliche but was nice. The home felt nice. Suddenly I felt more tired than usual and rested my head on my hands closing my eyes. 

 

“Don’t fall asleep yet, you have to eat first.” It was Seungmin who was beside me again setting a hand on my back. In his other hand he held a steaming plate and sat it down in front of me. My mouth drooled at the roasted vegetables and the pasta that sat next to it. 

 

“My mom thought you should start eating light at first so if you start to feel sick, stop eating.” 

 

“Why would I get sick?” I asked saying more than i’ve said to him since we met. He noticed and smiled again patting my back. 

 

“My moms a doctor, she told me that after going so long in the condition you were in without a proper meal your stomach would be accustomed to eating almost nothing so,” He picked up my chopsticks to pick up a carrot bringing it towards my mouth I stared at it blankly. “You should start out easy or you’d overwhelm your stomach and get sick.” Before I knew it he’d pushed the carrot past my lips and into my mouth. 

 

It was warm but with every chew it felt like bliss. The flavor spread across my tongue smoothly exciting my taste buds and making me crave more. My eyes widened and I grabbed the chopsticks from his hands which didn’t startle him but enlightened a smile. I tore into the food on my plate hungrily stopping to take mouthfuls of water completely ignoring how badly my stomach wanted to object at some point. 

 

The food on the plate was almost gone before the chopsticks left my hand. I stared at my empty hand bewildered and looked up at the elder in front of me, he was smiling like usual. 

 

He set the chopsticks down and sighed. “The food won’t run away, slow down before you get sick please.” He didn’t ask, he stated which made me look down at my plate almost shamefully. 

 

It was weird having people actually care for me. After years of mistreatment no one had ever gave me a second glance when i’d gag up unnatural things. Sometimes the people who look at me with disgust like I was thing, other times they’d just laugh not out of pity but because they enjoyed it. The thought made me shiver so I pushed my food away, the nausea in my stomach became apparent now and I sighed. 

 

_ … _

_ “Jeongin-ah...you really need to eat your vegetables.”  _

 

_ “I don’t want them!” I pouted jutting out my lower lip and crossing my arms. My mother sighed and set my chopsticks down picking up my plate.  _

 

_ “Guess I’ll just have to give it to another boy, a boy who will appreciate it. Maybe he’ll become my new son.” She snickered at that shuffling away with the plate.  _

 

_ “Wait!” I shouted to her and she turned a very knowing smile on her face. “I-I’ll eat them if you let me stay your only son.” I stutterd it but she just let out a bellowing laugh almost dropping the plate in the process. _

 

_ “Jeonginnie...you’ll always be my only.”  _

 

_ Those were my favorite words of hers. She would say them when I would cry.  _

 

_ “You’ll always be my only.”  _

 

_ I’d wished I could hear her say that one more time. One more time just so I could confirm it was true. I missed her. I never did figure out why they took her, where they took her, if they killed her. Sometimes I feel she gave me up to save herself and she’s actually still living. Sometimes I think she died right after I blacked out. Was she perhaps trying to protect me?  I would never know. Never...know. _

 

_ … _

The bed was soft when I sat in it and I almost fell asleep right there sitting up. Seungmin was in the other room gathering up some more blankets since the room was cold from misuse. The room was large but not too large. The walls were the same manilla as the bathroom along with tiny gray designs that littered the edges and corner. When I crept closer to examine them I realized they were birds. Small gray birds. The flew in a line that crawled across the edges of the wall and I traced them in the air. Thirteen in each corner. 

 

“They represent freedom.” I startled and let out a yelp turning around to find Seungmin with a stack of blankets in his hand. “My dad used to serve in the war, he said it was the worst days of his life but he doesn’t regret it.” He set the blankets down an walked over to me looking up at the birds. He continued,

 

“There came a time when my dad was kidnapped by the very people they were fighting.” I looked at him now but his face wasn’t mournful. “He was there thirteen days, they beat him, they did everything they could to try and get him to speak and give up the whereabouts of his team.” He took a deep breath to turn to me and smiled. “On his last day when they’d promised to kill him you know what he did?” I shook my head and he nodded. “He set a bomb in all their breakfasts. I don’t know how he did it he never told me but the story till this day makes me laugh.” 

 

“When I was born he built this room. Did you know they built this whole house together? My mom and dad. This was one of the first rooms they built. My dad painted those birds to signify freedom, thirteen birds for thirteen days. I moved out of the room two years ago but he didn’t mind. As long as I knew what the birds meant.” He looked back up at the birds remembrance spreading across his face. 

 

“I like them. They’re beautiful.” I said those words and I meant them. He smiled a bright smile and set his hand on my shoulder giving it a tight but comforting squeeze. 

 

“Welcome to the family, Jeongin.” And then and there I thought my heart might actually burst. 

…


	2. I'm in the middle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW// there's a really graphicish scene in this so please be prepared or skip the second time italics show up.

I’d never woke up feeling more alive in my entire life. My bones didn’t ache, there wasn’t grass in my hair or ants crawling across my forehead. There wasn’t the sound of passing cars or even an animal in the bushes. It was quiet and the smell that drifted into the room made me actually believe I was in heaven. 

 

But this wasn’t heaven it was just a room. A big room inside a big house with lovely owners who decided to take me in. 

 

The reality had barely hit me if I was being honest. I still felt they would throw me out at any time deciding I wasn’t worth their time. They’d probably think they were crazy for taking in some stranger. That was something i’d thought about a lot. How they could take in a random stranger without a second thought. In the end maybe they were just trusting in their son which was still insane. 

 

I stared at the ceiling. It was unblemished not a crack in sight. The room was warm and so was the bed I was in. It was soft and welcoming making me never want to move from it. I looked over to the birds on the wall tracing their flight pattern with my finger remembering the story Seungmin had told me. 

 

I’d thought about the story late into the night. How strong his father was. How long was I held captive for? A decade at most. Most of the time spent there was a blur and i’m grateful for that. 

 

I rolled over on the bed to the clock next to it, it was early noon. When was the last time i’d known the time. They’d fail to inform me on small information like that. Something like that could make a person go insane and even now, i’m surprised i’m not triggered. 

 

The smell drifting into the room was more noticeable now and it made my stomach growl. I sat up swinging my legs over the bed laughing to myself as I noticed how tall the bed was that not even my feet could touch the ground. My smile faded when I looked at the cuts on my bare legs. I couldn’t remember how each got there and I didn’t want to. I knew though that these scars would be here forever. 

 

I jumped from the bed legs almost giving away making me stumble and I grabbed tightly to the nightstand next to the bed a knock on the door startling me out of my trouble. The person didn’t wait for a response and came in anyway eyes widening when they saw me holding onto the object for dear life. 

 

“Oh my god! Are you okay? What happened?” Seungmin asked practically lunging over to me wrapping his long arms around my shoulders. I gave him a reassuring smile and stepped from his hold when I was standing up right again. 

 

“Just felt a little dizzy, i’m okay.” My words felt uncertain and it was hard to control the shaking in my voice.

 

Seungmin fidgeted his fingers a bit before grabbing my hand holding it firmly in his own. It was the least I could say that his hands practically swallowed mine. “Are you sure?” He asked squeezing my hand. I nodded and he tugged my hand prompting me to follow him. I didn’t hesitate and let him lead the way not failing to notice how he held my hand in a death grip and walked slower than he normally would. 

 

…

Seungmin told me that his family had a rule, every morning after “breakfast” you must take a shower or bath. Seungmins mother, Mrs. Kim she prefers to be called, said that when you wake up you’re the most dirty. In a way I didn’t understand what she meant until she continued on about dust mites and tiny insects laying eggs on you in your sleep. To me it felt like a stretch but I just nodded and after lunch proceeded to the bathroom I was in the previous night. It was after lunch though since I had slept so late.

 

I stepped into the bathroom with a towel and clothes, borrowed of course. Seungmin told me they were his clothes and for some reason that made me blush. They’d promised to go clothes shopping and asked if I had any interests. I shook my head clearly stating,

 

“I’ve never really had the time to like things, you know.” That made everyone silent but they nodded and left. It wasn’t my attention to make people uncomfortable with my situation I was simply being honest what use is there in a lie?

 

… 

_ “Jeongin-ah…” My mother whined from the other room. My head shot up and I quickly stuffed the cookies I was eating into my pocket as I stood up wiping the crumbs from my clothes.  _

 

_ “Yes?” I shouted making sure no evidence was around.  _

 

_ I saw my mother enter my bedroom and look around eyes squinted. When she looked at me she put her right hand on her hip and pointed, hair falling with every movement.  _

 

_ “If I remember correctly, there were twelve cookies on the tray I just pulled from the oven.” She paused and stalked closer keeping the same position. She didn’t stop until the tip of her finger was resting on my nose. “Care to explain why now there are only nine?”  _

 

_ I had been caught.  _

_ “No? That’s so weird mom I have no idea.” I lied through my teeth but she saw right through it and threw herself on me.  _

 

_ Before I could escape I was trapped in an attack of tickles. I squirmed and screamed refusing to laugh. I didn’t notice her hand sneaking into my jacket pocket to grab hold of the crumbly cookies until it was too late.  _

 

_ “I don’t know how those got there.” I stuttered as she held the crumbled cookies in her hand and stared at me. Instead of yelling at me she just smiled.  _

 

_ “You know Jeonginnie, when you lie your cheeks turn red and you blink one too many times.” I stared at her in awe as she left the room. _

…

The water felt different coming from the shower. It wasn’t a bath this time but it felt so much better. I was able to really wash my hair properly and the feeling of the water spraying onto my back was therapeutic. I couldn’t remember the last time i’d had a shower either. 

 

The last time.

 

Something hit me then, a sense of  _ get away. _ A sense of  _ pain _ . My brain was screaming in my head and I stared at shower floor paralyzed. Suddenly I couldn’t hear the water and nothing made sense. I squeezed my eyes shut. 

 

_ No, stop, LET ME GO NO. _

Those were the only words in my mind as I dropped to my knees covering my ears. 

 

_ “It’s what you deserve isn’t it?” _

 

This time I screamed and held my ears tighter. I couldn’t feel the water anymore I couldn’t feel anything. All I could hear were the words in my head. They were screaming at me. They were not new. Where had I heard them? He said it. Who was he? He was him..him..

 

_ “Where are you taking me?” I asked but got jerked along more roughly instead. I pulled hard against the man's grip but it was completely useless.  _

 

_ He dragged me through a doorway that held no door and closer inspection proved the door was ripped off its hinges. It was a bathroom. The floors were stained with undefinable substances. Roaches crawled along every corner crease and spiders hung in webs in the top of the corners. The bathtub was disgusting, grime and muck littered it seeming to not have been washed in years. The tap was rusted no longer able to spurt water ever again.  _

 

_ In one corner of the room was a shower. It may have been the worst thing in the whole bathroom. The door was ripped off as well and the inside was caked with dirt and more roaches. I almost gagged but was interrupted when the man threw me to the ground.  _

 

_ I was only ten then.  _

 

_ The man stripped me bare and threw me into a shower careless to notice if he hurt me in any way. I slid to the ground of the shower and curled into myself knowing there was no escape. The man stalked closer and grabbed the faucet to the shower that was labeled with an H. My eyes widened and I closed them putting my head between my arms.  _

 

_ When the water hit it wasn’t that bad until it got hotter. It got so hot to the point I was sure it would burn my skin off. I screamed and screamed attempting to run at one point but the man just pushed me back in roughly and now held a knife in his left hand. I didn’t want to die he would surely kill me. So I sat, eventually the pain subsided but the water was still scorching. I was numb and badly burned I didn’t even want to look at myself.  _

 

_ When it finally did stop everything was blurry and I couldn’t see. At first I thought i’d died from the burns but I felt the man grab me and fell limp as he dragged me out of the bathroom.  _

 

I didn’t know how long I was screaming. I couldn’t see. It was just like that time. I felt cold air rush over me but my hands were pressed so tightly over my ears I didn’t know what it was. When I felt something touch my shoulder I lashed out and flung my arms at it. 

 

“DON’T TOUCH ME!” I screamed and the thing redrew their touch. The water suddenly stopped and it was quiet my arms now covered my face as protection from whatever it was. 

 

“Jeongin-ah, please let me help you.” 

 

I knew that voice. 

 

When I opened my eyes and removed my hands from in front of my face I came to see Seungmin crouched down in front of the shower door. He had a towel in his hands and that same smile that was permanently stained to his face. 

 

“Hyung.”

 

… 

_ “Jeongin-ah. Let me help you!” My mother screamed behind the closed and locked door.  _

 

_ “No way mom! I’m old enough to do it myself now.” I yelled back taking off my shirt but struggling to get it over my head. When I did get it I let out a sigh of relief and stepped over to the shower. It was a shower and a bath and extremely huge. I cowered before it but mustered enough courage and puffed out my chest. “Shower time!” I breathed out and climbed into the huge tub.  _

 

_ It took me a second to actually understand what I was supposed to do and tried to remember how my mom had always done it.  _

 

_ “Okay so C? Whatever that means.” I brought my chubby hand up to the faucet and twisted it instantly water began to pour from the shower head. It was cold.  _

 

_ “COLD! IT’S COLD!” I flailed around until I eventually flopped out of the bath shivering and naked. Not even a few seconds later the bathroom door busted open and my mom stood there with a bobby pin in hand. I stared at her and she looked at me sprawled on the ground. Then she laughed.  _

 

_ “It’s NOT funny! I really tried.” I pouted and sat up rubbing my back where it hit when I flopped from the tub. She continued to chuckle as she walked over to me grabbing the towel that sat on the toilet seat.  _

 

_ “Yes, you did try but,” She sat down next to me and wrapped the towel around my shoulders. “Sometimes even the people who think they’re the strongest need help.” She stated and stared at me.  _

 

_ I nodded and brought the towel around me tighter. “Even superheroes?” I asked. She smiled brightly a smile that showed her perfectly crooked white teeth.  _

 

_ “Even super heroes. Even police. Even me. Even Yang Jeongin. Do you understand?”  _

 

_ “Yes, I do.” I finally smiled when she hugged me and snuggled into her chest relishing in her heartbeat. _

_ … _

“They’re permanent?” Seungmin asked staring at my bare chest. He insisted after my fit in the shower when I finally got out he saw all the scars on my body and asked if I was okay explaining the biggest ones. I told him yes and now he was staring at each one in detail. 

 

“They are, the burns have been here for at least six years now. They were worse but luckily, I guess, they helped treat them.”

 

Seungmin nodded and it almost looked like he pitied me but eventually that same smile appeared on his face once again and reached behind him to throw a shirt at my head. “If you’re okay now get dressed, we have to go shopping.” He stood from the couch and skipped away leaving me alone. 

 

His absence made my heart hurt even though I was sure if i’d asked him to stay a little longer he would. I picked up the shirt and threw it over my head walking away as well. 

 

…

“Are you sure you have no interests not even a favorite color?” Mrs. Kim asked as she pulled shirts from racks to hold them up to my body. I shook my head and she just laughed. “That’s unfortunate, isn’t it.” 

 

She continued to hold up shirts and pants to me for much longer until her arms were filled with clothes. She turned to me finally and threw the clothes into my hands almost making me fall over from the weight. 

 

“Try them on, bring out the ones that fit you. The dressing rooms are right over here and I promise I’ll be right here when you get back.” She smiled the same smile as her son and turned her attention back to the racks. 

 

I made my way over to the dressing room and stepped in making sure to lock the door once I set the clothes down. Once the door was locked I turned back to the pile of clothes and sighed. This was going to take a while. 

 

When I was done I walked out with only five shirts in hand. None of the pants fit me because my waist was too small. It was sort of depressing to watch a pair of skinny ripped jeans go by because i’d never worn anything like that but I shrugged it off thinking they wouldn’t suit me anyway. 

 

I stepped out of the hallway to the dressing room only to run into something hard. I tumbled back dropping the shirts and grabbed my nose. 

 

“Are you okay?” A deep voice asked. I opened my eyes only seeing the fabric of a shirt the pushed my gaze upwards to a face. 

 

The man had big brown eyes that made him look younger than he probably was. He had brunette upswept hair that looked so well taken care of I had thoughts that it was a wig. He was much taller than me and wore a plaid black and red shirt. His jeans were ripped sort of like the ones i’d just unfortunately had to leave behind. He looked like your average Korean teenager if it weren’t for his subtle accent. He was foreign definitely. 

 

“Y-Yeah I’m fine. Sorry to startle you.” I stuttered out leaning down to pick up the clothes I dropped. 

 

“It’s no problem uh...really.” He paused then, perhaps searching for the right word. He must not be fluent in Korean then. 

 

“Jeongin!” A familiar voice echoed to my right and I turned to see Seungmin hopping over to me and the foreigner. He stopped beside me took a glance at the clothes then looked over at the other man. “Oh! So you met Felix?” He asked and turned back to me. 

 

“Who?” I asked and Seungmin laughed pointing his finger to the man gesturing that that was Felix. My face heated up and I bowed before Felix. “I’m sorry that was so rude of me, nice to meet you!” I whined and Felix just laughed as well. 

 

“It’s really okay erm Jeongin, was it? No need for the formalities please.” 

 

I stood upright and nodded towards him hugging the clothes more tightly to myself. Seungmin recovered from his laughter to walk beside Felix, draping an arm across his shoulders.

 

“This is Felix, my actual dumb Australian friend.” Seungmin explained earning a snog to his chest by Felix. “We met some years ago when I was on a family trip and never stopped talking he's just recently moved to Korea!” 

 

Seungmins face lit up and he smiled brightly and Felix just rolled his eyes but from the look on his face I could tell he was also happy about being with his friend. 

 

“Well once again it’s nice to meet you.” I smiled the best I could at him. 

…

Living with the Kim’s wasn’t as horrible as I originally thought it’d be. They made sure I was comfortable and I could never repay them for that. I got three square meals a day and a chance to bathe every morning. The food was more delicious than I could have ever imagined. As i’d thought it felt weird to feel full everyday. 

 

Slowly I was regaining my strength. No longer was I stick thin though my ribs did peek out a bit. Mr.Kim made sure to inform me that my cheeks were getting much more chubbier and I looked more cute that way. He also made sure to schedule me a dentist appointment. I wasn’t sure how he did most of the medical things for me considering I was most likely pronounced dead and missing a decade ago. 

 

I’d never known of any other relatives besides my mom. She was always quiet when I asked about grandparents or aunts and uncles. 

 

The dentist was eventful but even more terrifying. Seungmin had decided to go in case I needed a friend when I finally went in to get braces. He held my hand when the dentist began attaching the metal to the top half of my teeth. It didn’t exactly hurt but it was uncomfortable. After I had them on I wasn’t allowed to eat hard things and for the first week or so I was forced to eat mashed potatoes and ramen.

 

I was more used to them now and didn’t complain about any soreness. 

 

There was one thing I still felt bad about. The night terrors. They came out of nowhere and one night I was waking up in my bed drenched in sweat with a sore throat. Seungmin was always beside me the second I woke up with a glass of water. He’d sit with me until I fell back asleep and spout encouraging things. I wanted so badly to push him away but I couldn’t, not when he was being so nice to me. 

 

I didn’t want to feel crazy anymore. The night terrors have stayed for three weeks now each time having me wake up in the same position. 

 

The dreams depicted the memories I’d so badly tried to block out. Some of the worst were what I would dream about. I could feel the pain in the dream as if I was there all over again. I never told Seungmin what happened in the dreams I was too scared he’d find me disgusting or pity me. 

 

I hate pity. It should be a sin. The feeling of having people that claim to care for you look down on you and treat you like a baby is sickening. 

 

I wasn’t sure why I didn’t wake up screaming tonight but the room was dark and I was wide awake. The clock read three twenty-two am.

 

It was cold tonight. Some weeks ago Seungmin had showed me the access to the roof and said it was where he went when he needed some alone time. I guess that’s what I was doing now. My bare feet padded along the roof to the edge and I looked over it. 

 

“Ah...this fall would kill me.” I said to myself and sat down so my feet were dangling over the edge. 

 

It looked tempting but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It would hurt Seungmin but I didn’t know my feelings towards him yet. How badly would it hurt me if I hurt him? More importantly it would hurt my mother. She would be disappointed I gave up. I could see her now. 

 

…

_ “Ugh!” I groaned as I attempted to solve the problem completely failing.   _

 

_ I’d continue to get wrong answers now matter how many times i’d retried it. My mom sat in the corner glasses hung to the edge of her nose as she was engrossed in her studies. Sometimes I’d think she was too young to still be in high school with a kid but she told me she chose to have me and she chose to continue school with me in her care.  _

 

_ “Mom, I give up.” I sighed throwing the pencil in my hanf to a random part of the room. She looked up and took her glasses off to rub the bridge of her nose with her fingertips like an old man would.  _

 

_ “Jeongin it’s really not that hard,” She paused and glanced back at her paper then motioned for me to come over.  _

 

_ I stood up and walked over to her, hopping into her lap. I was six then.  _

 

_ My eyes traveled over all the papers spread across the table with words I somehow understand. From what I could remember I was smart. Too smart. The type of smart that gets young kids recognized or famous. By the time I was four I could write in complete sentences and recite things from books. My mother told me I had the IQ of a fourteen year old. It was sort of surprising to be honest  _

 

_ My mother never let me go to public school she mostly kept me hidden. The only people I saw beside her was my doctor or occasionally a friend of my mothers who would only smile at me when he’d walk in then follow my mother to her room. They wouldn’t come out until at least two hours later, I never asked what they were doing.  _

 

_ When I turned five I could read chapter books in my head. I understood the difference between the three there’s and wrote an essay every two days. The only thing I really struggled at was math. I knew my times tables sure but when it go to fractions and letters it was all English to me. It didn’t make sense.  _

 

_ “You see how good mom does in her studies?” My mother whispered hovering her hand over all the papers. I recognized some of the equations and even saw some that were answered wrong. What kind of son was smarter than his own mother.  _

 

_ I nodded and she smiled reaching over to rip a clean sheet of notebook paper from a notebook. She grabbed her pen and began scribbling on the paper soon enough the same problem i’d been struggling with was written there.  _

 

_ “Are you going to help me?” I asked and picked up the extra pencil on the table. It was a wooden one, my mother always used wooden pencils she told me she didn’t trust mechanical so she never bought them.  _

 

_ “I am. Now, what is it you don’t understand?”  _

 

_ I began to explain what was bothering me and she worked slow drawing lines across the paper pausing every few seconds to ask if I understood what was going on. Only twenty minutes later did I solve another problem with no mistake or pauses. I smiled brightly and my mother clapped her hands as she hugged me tight.  _

 

_ “I knew you could do it.” She muffled into my shoulder.  _

 

_ I stared at the problem wonderin how it was ever so hard for me. “Thanks for not giving up on me.” I told her and she pulled back looking me in the face.  _

 

_ “You should never give up Jeongin-ah...never” _

_ … _

I will not die.

 

As much as I want to I will refuse it. 

 

A cold gust of wind blew over me and I shivered totally forgetting to bring a jacket with me. I looked up at the sky which was completely vacant of any stars. The moon was nowhere to be seen as well and I frowned. 

 

The night felt melancholy; more so than me. I began to lay down so my back was pressed to the roof and my eyes stared upwards even though it was cold it was refreshing and I relished in it closing my eyes finding myself fast asleep.

...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to sort of clear up how Jeongin knew how to read a book when he didn't have an education for ten years so he's a prodigy.


	3. I'm almost there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MY NAME AINT BYUNGCHAN NEVER WAS NEVER WILL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UHHHHHH MENTIONS OF BLOOD TW//////

Seungmin lost it when he found me on the roof. 

 

I opened my eyes to find him basically on top of me with big eyes and his mouth hanging open. 

 

“Jeongin! Oh my god what were you thinking? It’s dangerous up here are you okay?” he stumbled over every word he threw at me so I just stared at him and nodded. His face began to relax at my reassurance. 

 

“Could you get off of me, I can’t really breathe.” I muttered out and in an instant he’d rolled of me standing up to rub his hands together furiously. 

I chuckled at how adorable he looked then sat up rubbing my back from it’s stiff position from laying on the hard floor all night. It wasn’t my intention to fall asleep on top of a roof and I silently cursed at myself for worrying Seungmin that much. Was I actually scared about worrying him? I’d asked myself that last night somehow only now finding the answer. 

 

The air was crisp when you felt it first thing after waking up. The birds were lively flying from tree to tree, collecting worms from the ground then retreating back to their nests feeding it to their children. I smiled as my eyes observed the mother of one such nest attempting to feed one of her hatchlings the worm. It seemed to be struggling but the mother persisted ignoring the other chirps coming from around her. Eventually the baby bird caught onto the food and took it into his mouth swallowing with one great gulp. 

…

 

_ “Open up here comes the aeroplane!” The spoon flew towards my mouth with unbelievable speed and I opened up chomping down hard to swallow the food.  _

 

_ My mother cheered and set the spoon down holding up her hand for a high five. I managed to bring my chubby one year old hand to hers somehow knowing what she meant and we collided ending with me giggling in joy.  _

 

_ “You know Jeongin-ah even without teeth you still have the prettiest smile i’ve ever seen.”  _

 

_ I begged to differ.  _

 

_ My mother’s smile was one that could possibly kill a person with kindness if needed. The way her teeth shone despite if they were crooked. The way her eyes squinted and her cheeks puffed out making sure to announce her dimples. Her smile was perfect and yet she always adored mine.  _

 

_ “Mahm!” I mumbled out waving my arms to get her attention. She turned from where she was stationed at the sink washing dishes and looked questionaly at me.  _

 

_ I stopped waving my arms, beginning to shake my high chair gently. “Mahm Pruttey!” I screeched and she jumped holding her hand to her chest. She didn’t say anything for a minute instead just looked down at the sink water. I frowned. Perhaps I didn’t say it right.   _

 

_ … _

I wasn’t sure what Seungmin thought of me but I guess he liked me enough to meet his friends. 

 

It's been two months since i’d officially moved in with the Kim’s and the days were getting better. I never expected to actually feel comfortable here but found it becoming my home everyday. My room was meeting my expectations more as I was allowed to paint it whichever color I wanted. As long as I didn’t paint over the birds in the corner, that was the only rule. 

 

I painted it a light blue and when Seungmin had asked why, I just shrugged still not knowing the answer. Sometimes it felt nice not having to explain myself. When I was locked away if for some reason I didn’t answer back in full sentences i’d be punished. There was also the ‘Don’t speak unless spoken to rule,” Which never bothered me because if I didn’t have to I would never talk to them anyway. 

 

However it was okay here, to not talk if you didn’t want to. And most of the time I actually wanted to. Seungmin invited me to karaoke one day blabbering about how he had a pretty impressive voice and wouldn’t be satisfied until I listened and told him I like it. In the end I loved it, he attempted to get me to sing something but I played the not knowing any song card so he left it alone. We left the karaoke with Seungmin holding my hand tightly leading me to store after store promising to cook me the biggest meal. It was cute watching him look intently at ingredients seriously deciding if they were good enough. 

 

At one store we’d ended up at the checkout and the whole time Seungmin stared at a tomato he’d bought until the cashier picked it up and he screamed “Ah!” grabbing the tomato from the cashiers hand and running into the other direction of the store. When he came back he held another tomato in his hand and gave it to the cashier without a word. The second we stepped out of the door he explained,

 

“It was lopsided. I could never cook you something with  _ that _ in it.” From then on I had a whole new impression of him. 

The meal he cooked wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. The soup was perfectly cooked and the bread wasn’t burned like I thought it would be. After dinner and eating ice cream which I hadn’t eaten in so long i’d forgotten what it tasted like, we ended up watching a movie, a scary one which only made Seungmin scream because things like murder didn’t frighten me. 

 

It was only yesterday when Seungmin had asked me if I wanted to meet his friend and from the look in his eyes I couldn’t say no.    
  


“Seungmin! And oh you must be Jeongin?”    
  


The man was small maybe my height but seemed much more older. I bowed slightly to him and held my hand out for greeting purposes. 

 

“Uh yeah. Nice to meet you.” I managed to stutter as he took my hand in his and shook it firmly. 

 

It was then I noticed the figure approaching from behind him. “Felix-hyung?” I squinted into the darkness and there appeared Felix dressed in an all but too big sweater. He came up behind Changbin and wrapped his arms around the smaller pressing a kiss to the back of his head and smiling into it, Changbin reached up and grabbed hold of Felix’s long hands on his chest then held them tight as if when he let go, he’d never return. 

 

Oh.

 

“Jeongin-ah! It’s nice to see you again, I hope our Seungmin has been treating you well.” He said pulling off a toothy grin and a wink. 

 

I nodded and felt Seungmin shift beside me as he grabbed my hand and rushed us inside. 

 

The house was definitely much more smaller than Seungmin’s house but it was still homey. The walls weren’t painted but lined with a grey type of wallpaper. The carpet was a light brown and felt soft through my socks. The air was warm but not too warm to the point it was stuffy. 

 

We walked into a small living room where another man sat on the light brown sofa surrounded by papers. He stared intently at the computer screen that was seated on the glass coffee table in front of him and mumbled something under his breath. His hair was hinted with purple but if under direct sunlight it’d look white. He wore a black hoodie and basic blue skinny jeans. It was weird for me to say but, he wasn’t bad looking. 

 

“Chris-hyung there’s someone you need to meet.” Changbin suddenly announced from behind me and we all looked at the man on the couch who seemed to just notice we were in the room. He looked at the other boys making sure to smile at Seungmin. When his eyes landed on me he stared.   Honestly making me feel randomly uncomfortable. 

 

In an instant he was up and rushing towards me wrapping his large arms around my torso. “It’s nice to finally meet you Jeongin! Seungmin talks about you all the time and you really are,” He paused and pulled back bringing his hands to my cheeks and squeezing them. “as cute as he said.” He smiled and I blushed. 

 

**Seungmin thought I was cute.**

 

Seungmin stuttered something about ‘bullshit’ but I ignored him and focused on the ball of sunshine in front of me. 

 

“Nice to meet you uh..” 

 

“Chan! Or Chris? Or Bangchan. Either is fine, I don’t mind.” He finally let go of my cheeks and stepped back a bit. 

 

“Then, nice to meet you Chan-hyung.” I smiled as wide as I could which triggered ‘aww’s’ to bounce around the room. I turned to look at Seungmin who was smiling brightly at me. 

 

…

 

“Yes we’re together, if you were wondering.” Felix said as he sat down beside me handing me a can of soda. I looked at him confused until he motioned to Changbin in the corner of the room who was talking with Seungmin, laughing away. 

 

My eyes lingered on the hand Seungmin had on Changbin’s shoulder and my chest ached. 

 

So far everything was going fine and it was surprising, considering I haven’t had a panic attack yet. Seungmin made sure to ask if I was okay every once in awhile and even brought me some food which I took greedily. 

 

“Together? You mean like...dating?” I asked, staring now at the soda in my hands. I studied the condensation that was leaking down the side of the can. It was glistening from the light that shone from the lamp and through the window. I felt a shiver run down my spined as I continued to watch it slide down the unopened can. 

 

_ Drip. Drip. Drip.  _

 

_ My hands were wet.  _

 

_ With what? What was it? Why were they sticky? Why did it reek?  _

 

_ It was warm, everything was warm. I couldn’t hear anything. In a way it felt like I was floating but I also felt heavy as if moving was impossible. I squirmed and rubbed my hands together. They were so sticky. I wanted them clean.  _

 

_ What was it? _

 

“Yeah, like boyfriends.” 

 

_ I couldn’t breathe.  _

 

_ “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, please.” I pleaded but the man just stared down at me.  _

 

_ “This is punishment.” He muttered running his pointer finger along the blade in his left hand.  _

 

_ I messed up once again. I made them angry. This time they’d promised it would be worse than a scorching shower. Worse than the whip… _

 

_ “You must suffer.”  _

 

_ The first cut wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been only enticing a steady yelp to run from my dry lips. My mouth was so dry. The second cut was harder and deeper. This caused more of a whimper and I squirmed. I wanted to run but there was no energy left in my body. I wouldn't even make it far.  _

 

_ The man continued to make cuts across my abdomen, neck and legs. Some of them were quite deep, in need of stitches most likely. I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth refusing to make anymore sounds that would give them satisfaction.  _

 

_ It was so cold.  _

 

_ When he finally stopped I felt nothing. My body didn’t even feel numb. I held my breath but kept my eyes closed and focused.  _

 

**On what?**

 

_ Anything.  _

 

“Jeongin? Are you okay?” 

 

_ There was blood caking my hands. How did it get here? Whose blood was it?  _

 

_ Mine. _

 

_ I wiped my hands roughly on the floor. I continued to rub them more and more vigorously, not caring if I somehow tore my skin off. I still felt numb. I screamed as my hands continued to grind against the floor. Yes, I screamed. I whimpered. I gritted my teeth. I bit my lip until it bled. I felt the flesh ripping from my hands.  _

 

_ Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.  _

 

_ Those words echoed back and forth in my brain getting louder and louder with each bounce against my skull.  _

 

_ “I’m sorry.” I said to no one.  _

 

_ “I’m sorry.” to my mom _

 

“Shit, Seungmin!” 

 

“ _ I just want it to be better.” _

 

_ …  _

_ My mother skipped up to me, vanilla ice cream in hand. “You’re okay now, right?” she asked me handing over the ice cream.  _

 

_ I stared at it for a second before bringing it to my mouth and taking a lick. The cold made me shiver but it felt smooth running down my throat. It tasted sweet, like the forest. Some kids ran past me apparently playing tag. I wish I could do that too, have friends, but it was impossible. My mother had told me having friends was like setting yourself up for disappointment. When I asked if we were friends she shook her head ‘no.’ saying nothing else.  _

 

_ “I’m fine, it still hurts though.” I muttered taking another lick of the ice cream. My mother stared at my cut knee then back up to my face. “I’m sorry.”  _

 

_ “Oh no, why are you sorry?”  _

 

_ She looked concerned and my heart fluttered a bit. “Because, you told me not to climb it and I,” I paused, my eyes travelling to a wailing child that was only a few feet away. They seemed to be crying over a dropped lollipop. It was the most ridiculous scene i’d ever seen. “Didn’t listen…”  _

 

_ My mother looked at me with a quizzical look once i’d finished my sentence. Her lips were quirked slightly adding more to the ‘confused’ look. Her hair was up today in a high ponytail which was quite rare. The last time she’d worn it up i’d noticed marks on her neck, but when I asked, she ripped the hair tie from her hair and walked away.  _

 

_ “Jeonginnie, you can’t be sorry for everything, you know that right?” She told me grabbing my chin gently so I faced her.  _

 

_ I nodded and handed her the ice cream suddenly feeling less hungry.  _

 

_ … _

_ “I’m so sorry.”  _

_ … _

When I opened my eyes, it was dark. 

 

The soda was gone from my hands and so was Felix sitting next to me. The room was quiet more like the whole house and I began to wonder if everyone left me. 

 

I sat up and looked around the dark room attempting to swing my legs over the couch I was laying on. The second I’d put weight on them they collapsed and I fell. My butt landed on the floor causing a loud curse to slip from my lips. In an instant a figure appeared in the archway of the living room and reached their hand over to flick a light switch that was screwed in next to the door frame. 

 

“Oh god.” The person said rushing over to me. As they got closer I realized it was Seungmin making my heart race for some reason. 

 

“What happened?” I asked, attempting to stand again only to repeat the same fail from before, but this time Seungmin caught me and set me down carefully. 

 

The look on his face was more fear than concern and I genuinely thought he was scared of me. 

**Please don’t be.**

 

“You uh, had an accident.” They were unsure words especially since he spoke them looking to the side a little. It wasn’t like he was lying but I knew he was hiding the truth. 

 

“Tell me.” I grabbed his shirt to force his gaze back to mine. He looked hesitant and I knew he felt unsure about telling me how bad I was really was. I’ never thought I was too messed up, but maybe I was wrong. 

 

He opened his mouth to protest possibly but closed it again and stood up. “Okay, but let’s go home first.” He pulled his phone from his pocket, tapped a few times then pushed it back into his pocket. 

Then he bent down next to me first putting an arm behind my back then another under my legs and lifted. 

 

I flailed around a bit then grabbed back onto his shirt more tightly than before. “I-I can walk you k-know.” 

 

He scoffed but ignored me heading towards the door making sure to shout out to the others that he was leaving. They shouted back something in English that I couldn’t make out but it made Seungmin smile a slight blush creeping onto his face. When we walked out of the door I realized it was nighttime and colder than usual. I shivered and brought my hands to my chest, Seungmin noticed and just held me closer. 

 

**He cared.**

 

Not even a second later Seungmin’s driver pulled up. The man, Mr.Jung, stumbled out of the car, gave me a concerned look, then opened the back door. Seungmin stuffed me inside then got in himself and off we went. 

 

…

“It was bad, not just bad but terrifying?” I was honestly scared you were really hurt.” 

 

Seungmin sat next to me on the sofa that was placed in my room. I’d wanted it there just to have something more to fill the room. The minute we got home Seungmin finally put me down so I took my chance before he could run away and grabbed his hand dragging him upstairs. 

 

“I want details.” I said sternly. I’d never been demanding before. 

 

He twiddled his fingers and breathed in finally looking me in the eyes. “You were talking to hyung and suddenly he called my name. When I looked over you had dropped your soda on the ground and were staring at your empty hands.” He paused but continued when he saw I was listening. “I walked over to you and asked Felix-Hyung what had happened. He seemed pretty shaken up and just said you were talking about something when you suddenly went mute. Then you were on the ground holding your hands to your ears and...screaming? You were also mumbling something I couldn’t understand, but when I went to touch you flung my hand off and started shaking. Here I still have a scratch.” 

 

Seungmin brought his right hand up in front of me so I looked at it finally noticing the band aid that was plastered to the right of his thumb. “I’m sorry…” I whispered. He shook his head and brought his hand back. 

 

“It’s okay, it’s hard to control a panic attack.” 

 

That’s what it was? A panic attack? I recall joking about it a bit now thinking I had jinxed myself. I’d definitely read and learned about them but it was hard to comprehend that it was happening to me. “H-How do you know?” 

 

“My moms a doctor, I told you. She made sure I knew basic things like anxiety or panic attacks and what to do. So I tried to get you to breathe and when that didn’t happen,” He paused once again. Seungmin bit his lip and sighed. “I knocked you out.”

 

I stared at him. “You what? Wait, why?” I pressed my my palms into my knees and watch my knuckles turn white. Seungmin watched too but maybe he was thinking of something else. 

 

“You could’ve started hurting yourself and in order to get you to calm down, I just knocked you out.” At that he made a chopping movement with his hand which was supposed to represent knocking me out. “If you don't mind me asking, why’d you go all, incognito?” 

 

I didn’t want to tell him more than he needed to know, but when it came to Seungmin, he saved my life. In a way I was indebted to him, I would do almost anything for him. 

 

I’ve never experienced true love in my life. Yes, I loved my mother, however, it wasn’t the type of love that made my cheeks blush, my hands sweat and my heart race. What I felt with Seungmin, made me jittery and I didn’t understand. 

 

I wanted him to trust me. To like me. To look at me with admiration instead of fear. I wanted him to love me.   

 

“You won’t think of me differently? You’ll still be my friend?” I asked him and then he finally looked up, but my hands continued to press into my knees hader. 

 

“Of course, why wouldn’t I?” 

 

My hands relaxed slightly but still stayed slightly pressed into my legs. They were sweating I noticed. 

 

“I don’t want you to be scared of me.” 

 

“I won’t.”

 

**Liar.**

… 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JEONGIN I'M SO SORRY I LOVE YOU.....also 3racha's new song start line???? Uh okay mr. not byungchan


	4. Will I make it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW SPOILER////////mentions of suicide 
> 
> this is the song that is mentioned as well: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pozDLjFUVbM

_ “You actually think you’re fucking special? You actually think anyone gives a shit about you? You’re worthless! Disgusting filth. You deserve to rot like the trash you are. It’s funny, your mother fought so hard for something as unimportant as you. You should’ve seen the look on her face when my knife plunged into her stomach. The way her face grimaced as I twisted the knife. I laughed when she began to cough up the blood. Do you know what I did then? I ripped the knife back out and stabbed it into her stomach again and again and again! It was so entertaining to watch the life leave her eyes. Do you want that? I can do it to you too kid. You mother got what she deserved, now it’s your turn.”  _

 

_ It was dark. As always.  _

 

_ One lash didn’t hurt as much as I thought. The second lash exclaimed a yelp. The third lash produced a scream.  _

 

**_Mom it hurts, it hurts, help me, please._ **

 

_ The fourth broke skin. The fifth drew blood. The sixth made me dizzy. The fifteenth made my legs buckle. The thirtieth had me slipping out of consciousness. The fiftieth had me on the brink of death. I lost count after one hundred and sixty eight.  _

 

It’s funny how relieving torture can be. It’s funny how torture will not kill you. It’s funny how I wish it would. 

 

“It’s hard to stay alive, knowing what my mother went through. I miss her.” I said and Seungmin just stared blankly at the floor, hands trembling. “The whipping was maybe the worst of the torture, but I survived. I still don’t know why they didn’t kill me, instead throwing me on the side of the road.” 

 

There was so much more I thought he should know, but guessing from his trembling hands i’m sure he could imagine. 

 

“I’m sorry, if I don’t make it.” 

 

Seungmin perked up at that and it was then I noticed the tears prickling his eyes. 

 

**Don’t cry.**

 

“No, no no, you’ll live Jeongin. I’m always here, okay? Always, please.” He reached out to grab my hands and held them tightly. 

 

My heart began to race.

 

**Why are you touching me?**

 

“You can’t save me.”

 

“I can, I will.”

 

“I don’t want you to get hurt.”

 

“I already am.”

 

…

_ “Mom, why do people kill themselves?”  _

 

_ My mother dropped the fork she was holding. It clanged to the floor and made me shiver as it scraped against the tile. She paused and grabbed onto the sink where she was doing the dishes. I thought she was shaking, but I wasn’t sure. She stayed silent for awhile until she let go of the sink and turned around to face me.  _

_ I had been reading an old textbook that I’d found behind our apartment building. It was labeled ‘Road to becoming a healer.’ The book mainly focused on people with depression. It also talked about suicide, anxiety, and reasons for all of those things. I’d never heard of anything like them before so I found it horrifying when I read about how and why people commit suicide. It was sad.  _

 

If it wasn’t for the book, i’d probably have died from the pressure of being held captive. 

 

_ “Because they’re sad.” My mother responded. She was leaning against the counter now back to the dripping faucet that never ceased.  _

 

_ “Why are they sad?” I continued to question. She looked down at her feet and moved them slightly.  _

 

_ “Because, they can’t find happiness. No matter what they do or who around them helps, they can’t help but find the negativity in everything. They can’t help but hate themselves.” She stated it so clearly I thought she was bluffing.  _

 

_ “Why can’t they just think everything is okay?”  _

 

_ She continued to look at her feet that were no longer moving and then began to tap her finger along the sink. “It’s hard to explain unless you experience it personally. Witch, I hope you never will.”  _

 

_ I nodded and looked back to my book. My mother picked up the dropped fork from the ground and resumed the dishes as we sat in silence.  _

 

_ She was right, it was hard to explain. In order to understand it I would have to encounter it myself.  _

 

_ …  _

 

It was weird that these things came to me so easily now. I hated myself everyday, I wanted to die everyday. If it weren’t for the people around me, I would be gone. 

 

Seungmin had left me alone after I’d told him my story. Made sense, I wouldn't want to be near myself either. It was lonely. 

 

I recall what I told myself only hours before.  _ I will not die _ . For my mother? I didn’t know if she was even still alive. What if she was looking for me, she could show up whenever. 

 

I sat down on the couch that laid against the wall in my room. My arms wrapped around my bent legs and I hugged them tightly. I cried. 

 

I’d always cried by myself. It was depressing yes, but I didn’t want to burden anyone else with my whimpers. I sniffled every once in awhile and wiped the tears away that were dripping down my neck to the collar of my shirt. 

 

“Don’t cry, don’t cry.”

…

 

_ “Don’t cry! Don’t cry!” My mother chanted as she rocked me back and forth. “Hush now, it’s okay, mommy’s here. I’m always here.”  _

 

_ She brought the bottle up to my mouth and I took it hungrily, the warm milk flowing down my throat. Instantly my stomach began to feel full and I began to cry more from the unfamiliar feeling. My mother looked down on me in her arms and smiled brightly. She continued to rock me back and forth as I watched her with droopy eyes.  _

 

_ She was only fifteen then, I was a newborn.  _

 

_ My mother was strong, she had me at the hospital with no difficulties. The doctors had said I was a healthy kid. I remember coming into this world. How cold it already was, how gross and unnatural everything felt. No one was at the hospital with my mother. Not my father or even my grandparents. I never knew about any of those people.  _

 

_ Why were my mother and I so lonely.  _

 

_ “Shh, close your eyes Jeongin-ah.” she began to sing then, a song she would only sing when I was sick or extremely upset.  _

 

It’d been awhile since i’d sung it. It was an English song so it was hard to understand. 

  
  


_ “Let's go in the garden, you’ll find something waiting. Right there where you left it, lying upside down.”  _

 

_ … _

 

“When you finally f-find it, you’ll see how it’s faded. The underside is lighter when your turn it around.”

 

…

 

_ “Everything stays, right where you left it, everything stays, but it still changes.”  _

 

_ … _

“Ever so slightly, daily and nightly…”

 

**In little ways, when everything stays.**

 

I thought for so long about what that song meant, I still didn’t know. When I was bored living in a cell I would find a rock. With that rock I would write on the floors and the walls. I never counted the days, I just wrote the lyrics. No one ever mentioned them or maybe they never saw them. 

 

Every night I would lay flat on my back and stare at the dark grimy ceiling. I’d trace patterns in the cracks and recite the words to the song. 

 

I hugged my knees closer to my chest to hide my wheezes. My nails dug into my shins hard enough to leave marks but not enough to make me wince. I needed more. I deserve the pain.

 

My mother had always brought me up, told me I could do it. Reassured me. She wasn’t here now. No matter how badly I tried to appreciate everything that has been given to me, I can’t. I’m ungrateful. No one needs me here. Seungmin lied. 

 

I stood up and walked out of my room down the hall. It was late, very late. 

 

I continued down the hall and through the house until I found the kitchen. I wanted to run and just go to sleep. To sleep and never wake up. 

 

I grabbed a drawer and opened it. 

 

**I couldn’t do it.**

…

 

_ It was hard to leave Jeongin after that. I felt bad about everything I did to him. I didn’t know what he was comfortable with.   _

 

_ Sometimes I regretted it. Finding him, bringing him in. It wasn’t as if it was a burden on my family, we were rich, we had the room and resources for him. My parents never once seemed opposed to the idea. They were more than happy to give him a room and a roof over his head. And Jeongin was respectful, but he was quiet.  _

 

_ He was so caught in his own little world, it was hard to get through to him. I didn’t know what to do.  _

 

_ How do I help him? _

 

I put the pen down with a clang to my desk and slammed closed the notebook. This was pointless. I wrote about Jeongin a lot, pages and pages. Some I’d throw out or even burn. 

 

In a dumb way I felt too close to Jeongin. Was I attracted to him? I couldn't say. My last relationship didn’t go so well. We broke it off after a month because i’d realized he was cheating on me. I liked Jeongin, a lot. I felt close to him even if he wanted nothing to do with me. When I first saw him on the street he looked so beaten down and tired, I couldn't leave him. I won’t forget that day.

 

…

 

_ “Do I actually have to go, business isn’t fit out for me hyung, and you know that.” I paused for the other on the receiving line to respond. I was sure my driver could basically hear the way Chris was yelling through the phone despite it being pressed against my ear.  _

 

_ “Yes Seungmin, do what’s right. Sometimes there’s things in life we don’t like but we have to get over them. No shut up and go to the meeting and sell it! I’m hanging up now.”  _

 

_ Before I could get another word in the line beeped signaling he actually hung up. I sighed and clicked off the phone.  _

 

_ “Bullshit.” I muttered. _

_ … _

_ “You did well sir.”  _

 

_ “Did I? I feel like I messed it up, they were giving me weird looks the whole time. And that one guy? Who was he, his bald head was distracting me from my slide show.”  _

 

_ I took a drink of my soda and turned to look at my driver. “That would be the CEO, sir.”  _

_ I choked and began coughing up my soda staring with wide eyes at my driver.  _

 

_ “Oh god! Did you see his beard? It was five stories long. He must have a bird nesting in there.” I took another sip of my soda to cease my choking and looked around me. It was an average day. The sun was high and shining. People were out bustling about. Mr.Jung and I sat outside a small shop that sold drinks and flower seeds for some reason.  _

 

_ I easily spotted passersby giving me a hard glance before continuing. I didn’t blame them. My father made sure I was dressed to impress with a pressed suit and styled hair. What I would give for a t-shirt.  _

 

_ I continued to scan the park we were sat by smiling at children that ran along and played tag together. I followed their sprints until they ran past a bench where a small boy sat. His nose seemed to be buried in a book. I studied him from his gritty, stale hair to his ripped pants. He seemed to not have any shoes on so I stared at his cut and bruised feet. If it were someone older I wouldn’t pay any attention. But this boy was young. Too young.  _

 

_ I stood up and told my Mr.Jung that i’d be right back receiving a ‘yes, sir.’ I straightened my suit and ignored more stares as I made my way over to the boy who was now looking up at me with big doe eyes.  _

 

_ “Do you need help?” I asked and he gave me his full attention.  _

 

_ He smiled.  _

_ … _

I was tired but restless and woke up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat. My stomach hurt. 

 

I groaned and draped my legs over the bed padding along my too cold carpet into the too cold hallway. I walked past Jeongin’s room and thought about checking up on him but decided against it. He probably wanted to be alone. 

 

I continued down the hall until I found the bathroom ands stepped in. It was not cold. 

 

In fact, it was warm. I rubbed my eyes and flicked on the light switch. When the room was illuminated, I just stared. 

 

The scene before me was more than I could ever expect. I felt my bones ache and my heart scream as I fell to my knees in front of him. My hands were shaky as I brought them up to touch the figure in front of me. When I did, I recoiled instantly. 

 

Too cold.

 

“W-what h-happened, w-why..” My breaths became uneven as tears flowed down my face. I choked down a sob which onl caused a full break down. I wailed into my stained hands like i’d never done before. I didn’t notice my parents barging in behind me asking what was wrong. I didn’t need to explain. 

 

I uncovered my face with my hands and grabbed the body in front of me. I didn’t care how disgusting it was, it was all I had. 

 

I held his body close to mine and rocked us both back and forth. 

 

“I-I’m sorry, I said i’d be t-there. I-I wasn’t. F-Forgive me. P-Please. J-Jeongin-ah, please.” 

 

…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY, OKAY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO WRITE THIS AND I DON'T KNOW WHY AND THAT'S WHY IT'S SHORTER THAN THE OTHER CHAPTERS. THIS ISN'T THE LAST CHAPTER THERES STILL ONE MORE SO BARE ILL MAKE IT HELLA LONG 
> 
> ONCE AGAIN IM SORRY


	5. I didn't make it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry

It’s peaceful here. There is no pain. No worry. No fighting. No one gets hurt. It’s peaceful here. 

 

It was quiet, despite my shaggy breaths. For a second, I’d thought i’d died. However, that was impossible. I would never die. I told myself I’d live. I promised. For my mother. For Seungmin. For myself. 

 

Seungmin. I wanted to see him. To hold him. To tell him how much he means to me. Would he care? Would he listen? Maybe not. The thought made me scared. 

 

It’s not in my nature to break a promise. But, it’s not like i’ve made a lot of them anyway. 

 

“Hyung, would you love me?” I tried to speak but no words came out. 

 

“Hyung, would you save me? Would you help me?” I continued to try and speak but nothing flowed past my lips. No one could hear me like this. 

 

I was scared. I felt alone. Have I always been so alone? 

 

I miss her. 

… 

_ “Happy birthday, Jeongin-ah!”  _

 

_ Jeongin turned his head to find his mother running towards him, cake in hand. His eyes widened in fear that she would trip. She managed to make it over to him with icing still in tact. She sat down in front of him. Jeongin eyed the cake and it’s candles.   _

 

_ “Make a wish.”  _

 

_ Jeongin couldn’t wish for anything. He had everything he’d ever wanted. His mother, a home, considerable love. He was content. But somehow, the six year old felt an emptiness in his chest. He’d didn’t understand loneliness. Jeongin didn’t know when things felt wrong.  _

 

_ “What should I wish for mommy?” Jeongin asked his mother. She looked at him with a plain smile. She set the cake down in between them; the candle’s fire continued to flicker.  _

 

_ “That’s not up to me to decide. Just wish for what you think of most.” Her smile grew brighter. She grabbed the little boys hands and held them, fingers intertwined.   _

 

_ What did he think of the most, Jeongin asked himself. The boy stared at the blue iced cake. He studied the way the wax was now dripping down the candles into the cake. He smiled.  _

 

_ “You, I wish for you to always be happy. Can you promise me that?”  _

 

_ Jeongins mother stared down at the boy, her smile reached her ears. Jeongin swore he would never get tired of that smile. _

 

_ “I promis-” The woman was interrupted.  _

 

_ Jeongins heart jumped in his chest at the banging that suddenly sprouted on the front door.  _

 

_ A gruff voice broke through the walls, “Yoon-ah! Open up. We need to talk.”  _

 

_ Jeongin coward at the way the man said his mother's name and barely registered her grabbing him. His mother shoved him into his room. Making sure to plant a meaningful kiss on his forehead. The kiss pained Jeongins chest for some unknown reason. He shivered.  _

 

_ “Go to sleep for now. It’s late. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?” Jeongin nodded as his mother whispered a cracked and scratchy ‘I love you.’ He watched the look on her face intently. He studied her soft features as she disappeared into the light on the other side of the door frame,  until he was shrouded in darkness.  _

 

_ Jeongin didn’t question it. Things like this happened all the time. So, he ignored it and climbed into his bed. The boy didn’t know why but, his heart was beating furiously. He took deep breaths to calm himself. The small boy brought his legs up to his chest and hugged them tightly. He counted each breath until his eyes drifted closed. _

 

_ “Everything's okay.” He told himself. He continued to whisper the words until he drifted. Soon enough, he was asleep.  _

 

_ When he woke up. Everything was dark.  _

_ … _

I don’t want to die. 

… 

The knock on the door startled almost everyone in the living room. Mrs. Kim must’ve jumped ten feet. They weren’t expecting visitors, they hadn’t contacted anyone since that day. Seungmin kept to himself, staying his room most of the time. Sometimes, he’d just stare at the wall. Other times he’d stare at the pair of scissors on his desk. 

 

He never payed attention to the now locked bedroom door with the birds. He never walked into the bathroom with the faint smell of bleach that lingered on every wall. There were many things Seungmin couldn’t find himself doing anymore. 

 

He missed him. Sometimes he didn’t even believe he was gone. There were times when he would wake up and think of talking to Jeongin that day. His face would light up and his smile would reach to his ears. He didn’t notice the tears falling until they’d fall in his mouth. The boy would relish the salty taste and cease his smiling. 

 

“Ah, that’s right.” he’d say. That’s all he ever said. 

 

Seungmins parents seemed to be taking it a lot better. They decided they needed to be strong for their son. They were scared they would lose him too. So, they gave him as much as they could. They bought him the things he had always asked for, they also spent every dinner with him and took time off work. They wanted him to know he wasn’t alone. It didn’t work as well as they hoped. When they looked at their son, all they saw were blank eyes, a permanent frown and pale skin.

 

They’d all been living like this everyday. Before they knew it the were losing track of time, what day was it? 

 

That’s why the knock on the door startled everyone out of their seats, hearts pounding fast. Mrs. Kim looked at her family wondering if they’d invited anyone. The two men just shrugged. She nodded and walked to the door then stopped to take the warm handle into her cold, worn and wrinkled hands. Mrs. Kim didn’t know what she was expecting when she opened the door; but not this. 

 

It was a woman. She was short, shorter than Jeongin even. She wore a short black dress that reached her small knees. Her hair was cut short into a bob. The shine of her hair showed it was well taken care of. Her eyes were small and smiling, fit perfectly for her slender face. She was beautiful. 

 

“May I help you?” Mrs. Kim asked the lady with her best smile. Her smiles were pretty fake these days. 

 

The lady shifted a bit then bowed slightly. “Nice to meet you, my name is Yoon-Ah Yang. I heard you were harboring my son?” Yoon-ah peeked past Mrs. Kim as she mentioned her son. She looked into the house expecting to see her son sitting on the couch waiting for her. She felt disappointed when she didn’t find him. 

 

“Jeongin?” Mrs. Kim asked. The lady perked up and looked back into her eyes. The men behind her also stood back up and came closer to the door. Seungmin all but ran as he shoved past his mother. 

 

He stopped in front of the lady. Yoon-ah didn’t feel at all uncomfortable as Seungmin stared deeply into her eyes for a minute. He was studying her; looking for similar features. The lady hinted a smile and Seungmin’s heart dropped. 

 

“You’re his mother...you’re alive.”  Seungmin couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Before he knew it the tears that were welling in his eyes spilled. He couldn't help himself. Seeing the representation of what made Jeongin, was frightening. Seungmin didn’t know how to feel happy. 

 

The lady looked quiziqly at Seungmin. “Yes, is he here? Can I see him?” Yoon-ah asked. The way her face lit up made Seungmins heart drop. How could he ever tell her. 

 

Seungmin heard his parents shuffle behind him. He held a hand out to them. He wanted to this. He thought, maybe accepting it...would rid his conscious. 

 

Yoon-ah continued to look at him with expectancy. He held his head high. 

 

“He’s gone, taken by himself.”

 

Seungmin swore then that; he’d never forget the sadness that dripped through the older lady’s eyes that day. He’ll never the way her face relaxed. Or how he could physically feel her heart shattering into little tiny pieces. He swore to never see anyone like that again. He thought maybe, that would break him as well. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KINDA GAVE UP ON THIS BUT I TRIED MY HARDEST I'VE NEVER FINISHED A STORY BEFORE SO THIS I SLOWKEY AN ACCOMPLISHMENT RIP JEONGIN LOL IM SORRY
> 
> ALSO MAKE SURE TO PRE ORDER #iamNOT AND SUPPORT STRAY KIDS DEBUT BYYEEE THANKS FOR READING

**Author's Note:**

> this is sad...uhhhhh  
> this is my twitter come yell at me @strayult :pp  
> i love jeongin so much baby i'm so sorry


End file.
